What to do? What to do?...In retirement

Sally Field, 70, has a new movie coming out (“Hello, My Name is Doris”) about a woman of a certain age…”late, late 60s”. In a NPR interview Saturday, Field talked about owning her age: “I've gathered strength behind my years, I owned them, I've earned them, I've deserved them, I have a right to have them. Behind my years I have value that doesn't come when you're 50 or 40 or 30 or 20, it doesn't come until you've been in that saddle for a number of years.”

Within the interview, she comments on how we are constantly in transition, “It [the film] looks at transitioning, you know, human beings; our task in life is to constantly transition from one stage into another whether it's toddlerhood into childhood into adolescence and then young adulthood and then middle age. It's just constant movement,” --- without much guidance.

By midlife, the guidance available emphasizes finances and health care in preparation for retirement. Little is done though to help us prepare for what to do once we get there.

I mean the morning after the retirement party with the box of personal stuff from the office still sitting on the kitchen table.

I am familiar with too many retirees who are bored on their way to death. A retired trucker, who traveled the country in his semi, now struggles with his health because he quit sitting in the truck and instead sits the day away in his recliner in front of the TV. He doesn’t know what to do.

Many people must teeter somewhere between boredom and depression --- the kind that takes them from not knowing what to do to not wanting to do anything because they don’t know what to do. A lonely and boring “Catch 22”.

People aren’t as ready to quit working cold turkey as they think they are. One recently admitted that after quitting her full-time job, finding a part-time one was her salvation in the transition to full retirement. Another, not so happy with the part-time work hesitates to give it up for the same reason. Then what?

I was lucky enough to work for an organization that offered retirement planning workshops for its employees. The all day event covered the standards --- investment planning, wills and trust and health care topics --- and then concluded with one I hadn’t even considered. The psychology of retirement. Preparing mentally for the moment when we realize we don’t have anywhere to go or anything to do.

I’d never thought to stop and prepare for that first free day and all the days to follow. We worked through exercises to help us identify purposes and interests we might choose to pursue in retirement --- from hobbies to volunteerism to education to travel to entrepreneurship --- just for the fun and adventure of it.

I’ve run into retirees who may not admit, but do demonstrate, their frustration with days filled with nothing to do. At the same time, I can’t escape those who have ventured beyond their homes to try something new. Notice the number of mature artists and crafters at shows…and notice the quality of their work.

My family couldn’t keep up with all of the volunteerism my mother did to avoid sitting at home --- at the voting poll, for her church, the local hospital, a thrift shop with a mission she supported. We finally had to get her an answering machine so she’d know we were looking for her. (When she returned our calls and got a machine she would say, “Donna, this is your mother, Lydia Ullrich, calling,” like I wouldn’t know who my mother is!) We’re all needed out there somewhere.

Seniors fill writing classes as they seek to tell the stories of their families or just try their hand at a good mystery. While it still makes the local news when an 80-year-old earns a diploma, most college classes are a nice mix of young and mature students. This gives the concept of peer learning a whole new depth.

There isn’t a fitness program out there that doesn’t tailor its programming to our grumpy bodies. Senior service programs are everywhere, as are non-profit resource centers to help someone find community involvements.

If we put our passions to work we will find our way successfully into retirement and no doubt, we will recognize that our contributions are just as important as we once thought only our career-self could be.

Consider these resources:
The Biggest Mistakes Couples Make Preparing for Retirement, The Wall Street Journal, Sept. 10, 2013

Preparing yourself mentally for retirement, USA Today, Oct. 22, 2013

Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Retirement: Planning for a Successful Transition, Yvette Guerrero, Ph.D., University of California San Francisco, (pdf)

The Emotional Side of Retirement, non financial aspects, Fran Larkin.com, 2013, podcast available.

Do you ever just say "thank you?"

http://i-am-ruby.tumblr.com 
graphic credit only, no endorsement

Just put it out there in the universe for the good karma that it returns to you and others?

So, seriously, probably two decades ago I was listening to an interview on talk radio (OK, yeah, NPR. Say it with me…”I heard it on NPR”). The interviewee, an author, was talking about her exploration of her spirituality and how that adventure transformed itself nicely into her recently published book --- now, there’s a miracle.

An example of the confrontations she encountered as she pondered this issue (and as I recall 20-ish years later. WARNING: paraphrasing and extrapolation ahead), she 

found herself in line with a friend at a coffee shop listing and complaining about everything that had already gone wrong with the day.

The friend, applauding-ly brave and direct, interjected, “Do you ever just say 'thank you'?”

We, the listeners, felt the author’s stunned pause before she defended with: To whom? For what? I don’t believe in God.”

The friend, (still recalling here) suggested that she didn’t have to believe in any one god to take inventory of the good that happens each day in her life and put a “thank you” indiscriminately out into the universe for it.

I can’t tell you another thing about the interview, the author or the book, but I have practiced that lesson multiple times a day ever since --- like when I do find my car keys.

I do identify as a spiritual but not particularly religious individual. There is some higher power out there for me because I do believe I, and those around me have benefited from some minor (in big-picture mode but major in our lives) miracles. Not all of my requests (prayers) have been honored though or some very important people in my life would still be here working their own miracles on others and me. But that’s the balance, I guess.

I just don’t happen to believe in organized religion. I think they are cults organized by men with too much time and power on their hands. I don’t think God had anything to do with these organizations. It’s OK; my family knows my position, even a close relative who is a minister. I think he politely excuses me as the family eccentric. ;-)

I admit I talk to my God several times a day, usually to ask for a favor (AKA prayer) or just say “thanks” for something good that has happened, and usually when I am not talking to my cats. Both are very good covers at my age lest anyone think I’m talking to myself.

I was raised Christian by practicing parents (I think my late-dad would guffaw heartily if I were to suggest here that my mom was probably the better practitioner than he. My mom would quietly, confidently nod slightly in agreement and ignore my dad altogether…which would earn another hearty laugh). As far as I knew and witnessed, most of my relatives were also churchgoers. It was a model in our lives that we were expected to follow. When we were confirmed in our church as young adults, my parents did what the church claimed to intend --- they gave us the choice to continue as members of the church or not --- I chose not.

Still, over the years, I’ve recognized the charmed (blessed?) life I’ve been granted and have made an effort to acknowledge it, put it in perspective, and pay it forward (much better book than movie). And, I’ve noticed others’ attempts to get a handle on how to focus energy on the good of their lives rather than the bad. (We waste so much energy complaining about the problems rather than focusing that same energy on the solution.)

“Ah ha moments” one facilitator called her approach. She encouraged her workshop participants to take an inventory at the end of the day of the good that happened to them. Make a list.

When I turn out the light each night, instead of a prayer, I say “thank you” to God for each of the good things that did happen that day --- from getting me home safely to having the resources I needed to get something done, to friends and family, and yes, to finding my keys. A bit of an inventory does put daily life in perspective and helps us let go of some of the stress that accompanies the challenges.

No one is going to argue that the longer we live, the more we may have to be thankful for. Nor will they argue that longevity gives us perspective on the comedy and tragedies of our daily lives. The first world issues versus the real issues. Maybe instead of teaching our younger generations to practice some man-made religion, we should be modeling ways to value the blessings of our individual lives and how to put the daily challenges in perspective. Somehow collectively building up universal karma fueled by appreciation rather than complaints. Maybe that universal karma can benefit us all.

One friend responded to this post with:
Donna
I started thanking each individual atom this morning, I did not get past some dark stuff under my fingernail. I'll try again tomorrow. 
-T

Another:
As children we are taught to say, "Thank You" some adults have a hard time saying it. Here are some effects... "Thank You" has.....it makes smiles, it make you feel helpful, it tells you,grand job, what you feel that, what you do counts.

Thank You is a powerful reply. The way it is said can also make you feel uneasy. 
But most of the time it is a verbal hug....So say Thank You to everyone.....
-S


What are your thoughts and experiences?